i was diagnosed with clinical depression ten years ago.
i have spent nine of those years feeling guilty about it and apologizing for how i felt.
i didn’t think of my depression as a real illness, and i didn’t view my feelings or behavior changes as real symptoms. i thought of them as personal failings that i needed to overcome. for those of us who live with a mental illness, it can be so difficult to recognize our symptoms for what they are – because they impact our thoughts and feelings, we think we should be able to just try harder and do better to feel better. as much as we are offended by the phrase “just snap out of it” we often internalize it and repeat it to ourselves in a thousand different ways.
my ongoing symptoms included decreased energy; feelings of guilt, worthlessness and hopelessness; early-morning waking; loss of interest in activities that were once pleasurable; frequent crying; persistent headaches; and persistent sad, anxious and empty feelings.
despite the pain that these symptoms caused me, often for weeks or months at at time, i kept my depression a secret. aside from my family and one or two close friends, i chose not to tell anyone else about it . so for 8-10 hours a day i pretended to be fine. i went to work, i hung out with friends, i celebrated holidays – always pushing myself to be ok, not to appear depressed. i wore a mask – smiling on the outside, crying on the inside. faking it comes at a cost to ourselves.
i was constantly apologizing and always felt that my best was not good enough. no matter how well i did on a project at work or how much i cared for my friends, i felt guilty. i was carrying the weight of an illness that i thought i needed to hide, and as a result i became a chronic apologizer. i have said “i’m so sorry” for a million things that i didn’t do wrong. i’m sorry i didn’t respond sooner. i’m sorry that i can’t make it. i’m sorry that you feel bad. i’m sorry, i’m just so wiped out. i’m sorry, work is just so stressful right now. no, i’m fine, i’m sorry, there’s just a lot going on. i’m sorry i’m sorry i’m so sorry.
i apologized every day, over and over again. and i thought i was apologizing to the other person. that i was letting them down. but you know what i have realized? i was apologizing to myself. because i was letting myself down by pretending to be fine. on some level i knew that i wasn’t treating myself fairly, that i didn’t deserve to add silence on top of my suffering. underneath it wasn’t really about what the other person would think of my symptoms – it was about my struggling to accept my diagnosis of depression. amy, i’m sorry i am pretending. amy, i’m sorry i am hiding. amy, i’m sorry it hurts.
well i’m not sorry anymore. i’m not sorry that i have depression. i’m not sorry when i cry. i’m not sorry when my symptoms get worse. because i have an illness as real as any other. it’s not my fault. i can’t snap out of it. and while i am responsible for understanding and managing my symptoms, fundamentally i have done nothing wrong. and it is for these reasons that i no longer hide my depression and anxiety. they are a part of who i am, whether i like it or not. and beginning the process of accepting my mental illnesses is helping me to become less apologetic and more authentic.
i have made a promise to myself – that i will no longer apologize for my depression. i may be angry with my symptoms or feel tired or sad, but i won’t take it out on myself anymore. when i catch myself saying “i’m sorry” i stop and replace it with “i am.”
i am struggling.
i am scared.
i am strong.
and i am not sorry anymore.
this is so true, I have bipolar type 2 disorder and the depression is more than any other symptom. I’m sick of having to fake how I feel because its how people see me. You’ve inspired me to write on this topic too! hugs http://maybemayhemmakeup.blogspot.com.au/
jess – thanks so much for reading and sharing. faking it is so exhausting and it only makes depression worse. best of luck with your writing! xx
This is amazing. I have had depression for most of my life, but only knew what it was called since my diagnosis two years ago. I find myself always faking, hiding and apologizing. Even when people say that I don’t need to apologize, I can see the disappointment when I must change plans, or they ask things like,”Are you better yet?”.
I still struggle to not feel ashamed for my issues. It is hard. Thank you for such a powerful post. This message helps me find some courage.
-marcus
thank you marcus – it is such a process to grow into acceptance. i still struggle too – and then i try to remind myself that guilt is also a symptom of depression. positive self talk is a skill that i have found very worthwhile to develop. keep fighting for you. xx
I love this post. I too apologize for things that aren’t my fault. This is so right. No should have to apologize for their illness. Thank you for writing this. I have Bipolar type 1 and suffer from anxiety too. The constant need to pretend to be okay only makes things worse. I’m finally understanding that now. This post means a lot. Again, thank you.
Nabilah – thanks for sharing your perspective. I’m so glad we can relate on this – it sounds like you have found a little bit more compassion for yourself, which you deserve. Take care. xx
I’ve written about something similar in my blog. I used to apologize for everything because of an abusive relationship. A relationship that I was pulled into because of my depression. It took me years to figure out that things weren’t all my fault, or that I didn’t have to feel bad…well, about feeling bad. I’m proud and impressed that you have come upon that more forgiving perspective as well. I think it’s a struggle every mentally ill person must overcome. Best of luck to anyone else who is dealing with this philosophy change.
Alix (Clinically Okay)
My post: http://clinicallyokay.com/stop-apologizing-journey-self-validation/