on the eve of my father’s suicide
if i could take you in my arms
and hold you, i would.
if i could rock you back and forth,
if i could hold your hand, i would.
if i could comfort you, prepare you, preserve you, i would.
if i could talk to you, if you could hear me, there are some things that i would say.
little girl, you are in for big changes. one after another after another after another.
you will feel pain, the worst pain of your life. terrifying, searing, electrifying pain.
you will feel loss, the deepest loss of your life. hollow, dark, cutting loss.
little girl, it’s not your fault. it didn’t happen because of you. or anything you did or didn’t do. or anything you said or didn’t say, thought or didn’t think. it’s not your fault. it’s not your fault. little girl, it’s not your fault.
little girl, you are loved and you are lovable. who you are doesn’t make bad things happen. who you are doesn’t make people disappear. bad things happen and people sometimes disappear, but not because of you.
little girl, it’s ok to cry. it’s ok to wail. it’s ok to kick and scream. it’s ok to grieve, grieve, grieve however you want. let yourself feel sad. let yourself feel angry. let yourself feel despair. let it out, let it out, let it out out out.
little girl, you are still a little girl. you don’t have to be perfect. you don’t have to have it all together. you don’t have to put on a happy face.
little girl, it’s ok to fall apart. it’s ok to ask for help.
it’s ok to say you’re scared.
in time you will come back together again.
in time you will feel safe again.
little girl, the pain won’t break you.
it will bend you but you won’t break.
you will walk through the darkest of nights.
you will walk through the fiercest of storms.
and then you will glisten and sparkle in the sun.
i know you can do it even though you don’t yet know.
beautiful, strong, lovable little girl.
little me, little girl.